Valentine’s Day is around the corner. Granted, I am not one of those girls who actually celebrate Valentine’s Day since I think it’s just a commercialized ‘holiday’ where women in relationships are glorified and single women are made to feel worse about themselves.
It’s a sham which makes men spend a stupid amount of money on an ugly heart-shaped piece of jewelry from Jared’s and drop another couple of hundred on a crappy prix-fixe menu where the service is shit since tip is automatically included on these ‘special holidays.’
Sidebar – if my Husband ever went to Jared’s I would throw that piece of jewelry in his face.
But this is a post for the ladies – I understand that some of you like to reciprocate the favor and get your man something nice, maybe a little Valentine’s Day gift to show how much he means to you. Aw – that is sweet! But before you get too creative, here is a do’s and don’ts list of man gift giving – from me to you:
Don’ts: Hand-Made Gifts
Three words – What. The. Fuck? Husband had an ex-girlfriend before me. We call her Crasian because she was crazy, and she is Asian – hence, Crasian. I hope it’s going to make it to the Webster’s dictionary next year – I already put in an application and a picture of Crasian’s face. Just a FYI.
Anywho – while I was cleaning out/snooping in Husband’s stuff a couple of years ago, I found this redonkulously ugly hand-made collage filled with pictures of the ‘special’ places they had been together. Dude – special places? There was a Starbucks logo. Special places my ass. The best part was that it was laminated, so you know Crasian went to a lot of work on it. After I laughed out loud until I cried, and then looked at it again and laughed some more, I put it on the coffee table so it’ll be the first thing Husband saw when he came home from work. And when he did, this happened:
Husb: Um… What is that on the coffee table?
Me: (trying to hold back laughter) Oh hey. How was your day? What? What’s that on the coffee table? You tell me.
Husb: Oh fuck. Did you go through my stuff?
Me: HAHAHAHAH. You bet your ass I did. HAHAHHAH!!!
Husb: Argh. I totally forgot about this.
Me: WTF is it? A five-year olds arts and crafts project?
Husb: Argh – Crasian made me a collage when I had to go back home for a while. She included all the places we had been to together. She said that it would remind me to think about her all the time…
By this time I was nearly doubled over in laughter holding my stomach since it was nearly cramping because I was laughing so hard.
Me: Dude. That’s fucking gold. What did you say when she gave it to you?
Husb: I don’t even remember – I think I was like…um…thanks? I like how you laminated it?
Me: OMG OMG. HAHAH. This is the best. Thing. Ever. I’m going to frame that shit.
Okay – sorry for embarrassing you Husband if you’re reading this, but the moral of the story is – ladies, men don’t really want an arts and crafts project from you. It makes them feel awkward and they really don’t know what to do with it. If you do want to make them something by hand, why don’t you cook them a lovely dinner? It’ll be something both of you can enjoy together.
Plus – you can be sure that no silly bitch in your man’s future is going to be laughing at your expense.
Men are simple creatures. Surprise him with a blowjob. Maybe wait for him to come out of the shower and drop to your knees on the bathmat. This way you can be sure that he’s fresh and ready for you, and your knees are protected by the squishy mat.
And since it’s a special occasion, why don’t you let him come on your face? Remember – keep your eyes closed because that shit stings like a motherfucker.
See? It’s easy, quick and cost-effective! Everyone’s a winner. Well, mostly him, but do it right and he’ll never go elsewhere.
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