OMG I just read one of the best articles on New York Magazine’s The Cut online site – it’s called “The Great Spanx Sex Experiment.”
It asks the question – is it possible to have sex with Spanx on?
For you gentleman and skinny bitches out there that are unaware of what Spanx actually are, here are a few pictures to clear things up for you:
Yup – Spanx are actually shape wear for women. Essentially, they’re like an elastic girdle or corset which holds you in all the right places. If you’re wearing them right, essentially you can’t breathe. Sigh – the things we do for fashion.
Anywho – generally, if you are wearing Spanx and then you plan on getting laid that night, you excuse yourself to go to the bathroom and attempt to wrestle your way out of these torture chambers, the difficulty of which is multiplied by how many drinks you have consumed.
I always wonder what the dudes think when a supermodel goes into the bathroom and then an average looking heffa-lump comes back out? I guess by that time you’ve already committed to the act of fucking you just go with it?!
Hence – that is why Spanx duty is an important role someone must play every night when there are copious amounts of cocktails to be consumed – kinda like a designated driver. I am ashamed to admit that I was on Spanx duty one evening for a lovely girlfriend of mine when she hooked up with a guy. Alas, too many cocktails and other illegal substances rendered me incapacitated to engage in any form of Spanx duty, so my girlfriend had to wriggle herself out of her undergarments in front of her guy. Luckily, the dude was totally chill and low-key and I heard afterwards that the sex was awesome.
Aaaanyways. Since the ordeal of hiding these spanxy undergarments sometimes prove too much for drunk ladies, the journalist of this article conducted an experiment where she attempt to have sex with Spanx still on! How is this possible, I hear you ask? Well, there are many different types and styles of Spanx, and often since you require an entire wrestling team to get them off, they come equipped with either a snap at the crotch area or just an easy access hole, essentially for easy peeing. If you squint your eyes, or shut them completely, they’re kinda like crotchless underwear, and we KNOW you guys love them, right?
Unfortunately, the experiment proved that you gentleman just aren’t man enough to handle sex with Spanx.
I myself am a HUGE advocate of the Spanx wear. If you can look skinnier without even having to starve yourself, why not? Sure, when I’m in them I may have to take shallow breathes, but the beauty of wearing Spanx is that it makes you think twice about having those additional bites of food – they’re a great diet aid.
I never really worry too much about the sex with Spanx issue since:
a) I’m married; and
b) Husband actually gets quite turned on when he sees me in them…yeah, we’re into some fucked up kinky shit.
This story reminds me of an embarrassing sex incident which happened many years ago…
During my early 20’s I was obsessed with having long, flowing and wavy hair. I mean, I’ve always had long hair generally, but I went through a stage when I wanted thicker, longer, Victoria’s Secret runway model hair.
While reading People magazine one day, I discovered that Paris Hilton (my idol at the time – don’t even ask) had these clip in hair extensions which gave her luscious flowing locks. I immediately hunted them down for myself.
Even then I realize that if you’re going to wig out, you need to get real hair and not some synthetic bullshit, so I dropped a crap-load of cash on a couple of pieces of clip in hair extensions. Granted, they weren’t exactly the same color as my actual hair – they were a touch lighter in color, but I assumed I could pass them off as highlights.
Here is a picture of me with my extensions in just so you can get a good visual. And yes – I often wear that outfit when I go out.
Oh, how I loved my hair extensions… Every evening prior to going out for a big night, I would start getting ready 2 hours in advance, with an entire hour dedicated to curling and clipping in my fake hair in an attempt to give myself mermaid locks.
Hair extensions and I were getting along great, until one day at a party; I ended up quite drunk and in a bedroom giving some dude a blowjob. Now, we all know you guys love to play with our hair when we’re going down on you, and this dude was no different. When he put his hands on top of my head and started to weave his fingers through it, I came to my senses, abruptly stopped what I was doing and said “Listen – if you want me to keep going, please keep your hands off my head. Deal?” I really didn’t know what he was thinking after I said that, but blow-jobs trumps all random thoughts usually.
Oh it gets better – another evening when hair extensions and I went out, a few friends and I ended up at this dude’s place. Let’s call him Mike because that’s his name. Mike and I hit it off and went into his bedroom to bang while my other friends were having a good time out in his lounge room. Half an hour later, after I stopped Mike mid-bang because he had weird sex expressions (I was pretty ballsy back then, no?) I sauntered out into the lounge room while zipping up my dress. I heard an audible gasp from my girlfriend Steph, and then she said “Julie – Your hair extensions!” My hands flew up to my head and that’s when I discovered that half my hair was shoulder length, and the other half was down to my waist.
Yes – weird sex-face Mike had fucked my hair extensions out of my head.Read More »