So I was attempting to nap off a hangover yesterday on my seriously comfy couch. Fuck I love my couch. Couches are especially important to me since growing up, Momma Lin liked to furnish our apartments with those super uncomfortable, Versace-esque couches that look like they belong in the Palace of Versailles. You know the ones I’m talking about, they’re all gold and gaudy and shit. Here’s a picture just in case your ma didn’t have such random taste like mine: Actually, I think she still has this one…
Anywho – not only were those couches ugly, they’re also the most fuck-off uncomfortable things you could ever sit your ass down on. Not that it mattered – Momma Lin was so focused on keeping her Versace couch clean and ass-print free that I wasn’t even allowed to sit on it. She bought me some $5 giant pillow from Target and I was allowed to sit on that. On the floor.
Hence, now that I’m a grown up and spending Husband’s money, I decided that the most important piece of furniture we purchased was a redonk comfortable couch. Here is our current comfy couch – I have spent many hours in my afternoons napping on him:
Anyways – my attempt at napping was cut short and I was rudely awakened by what sounded like a small child playing in my apartment. My groggy thought process went like this:
What the fuck is that noise? Is it a child?
When did I have a kid? Holy fuck how long was I asleep for?
Please just let this be a nightmare…
It wasn’t until I heard Husband yell out “What the fuck is that noise? That kid sounds like they’re INSIDE our apartment!”
That was when I breathed a sigh of relief.
It turns out that the annoying family on our floor had decided that the communal hallway outside our apartment was the optimal play area for their loudly screeching kid. Look, I’m all for a laughing, gurgling child but this kid sounded like a hyena on crack. I’m seriously surprised that I didn’t burst an eardrum.
Of course, being the grown-up that I am, I decided to counter the screaming with some yelling of my own:
Me: WHAT THE FUCK is that noise? Don’t you know that people are SLEEPING at 4 in the afternoon?
The hyena continues like she doesn’t understand me. Great – not only is she on crack she’s also illiterate. Kids nowadays are getting dumber by the minute.
I decided to yell a little louder –
Me: YOU KNOW, THE HALLWAY ISN’T A FUCKING PLAYGROUND. ARE YOU PARENTS TOO POOR TO TAKE YOU TO A REAL PLAYGROUND? Hold up, playground are free….GO PLAY OUTSIDE!
Nope. Nothing. She continues to shriek like she’s having fun or something.
So I decide to kick things up a notch and finally get my ass off the couch and storm into Husband’s study.
Me: Take your pants off. Let’s go.
Me: TAKE YOUR PANTS OFF. We are going to have really loud sex by our front door. If that doesn’t knock some sense into her parents, then I’m all out of ideas. Now, whip it out.
What do you know? The kid and her parents retreated back into their apartment.
Oh sex – what can’t you do?