Husband writes a lot of reviews for his colleagues at work – you know what I mean – it’s when you get a chance to vent about how poorly or how awesomely (that’s a word, right?!) your peers have been performing.
Which gives me an idea: why don’t we have the same thing in relationships? Like a 3 month/6 months/yearly review process? Not only will it give each party an opportunity to vent their frustration and celebrate the good stuff, but it also solves that awkward – where is this going? – discussion that no one ever wants to instigate.
I think this is a fucking great idea – shocking, I know since I came up with it.
I’ve given this a lot of thought over the past 5 minutes and here is what I’ve come up with for my impending review for the Husband:
For me, these are probably the key attributes that I value most in any relationship:
I know you some people are going to be like – but you’re a TW2.0 – why didn’t you say money? Because I’m pretty sure money isn’t an attribute…
Attribute 1: Intelligence
Rating: 8 out of 10
Comments: Husband, you are pretty smart – it’s one of the main reasons I married you. I like to listen to you when you’re on work calls because you use big words and are very decisive and I think it’s incredibly hot. However, I did have to take away a few points because you continually ignore me when I ask you to do the simplest things. WHY do dirty dishes go in the sink when the dishwasher is literally right underneath the sink? WHY do your shoes go right BESIDE your shoe rack? What is the purpose of a shoe rack if it doesn’t hold any shoes??? WHY?!?! (Obviously, this is a huge point of contention for me. I need to spend a few more weeks with my therapist to work through this shoe rack debacle.)
Attribute 2: Patience
Rating: 9 out of 10
Comments: You score pretty highly with this one. Then again, I’m incredibly impatient so anyone who can wait a second longer than I can I am in awe of. You do lose points because sometimes, you get frustrated when you’re trying to explain something to me and I give you that “huh?” expression. Look – it’s not that I don’t get what you’re saying – it’s generally because I wasn’t listening to you. Sometimes you think I want you to explain things to me because I’m all silent which you misinterpret as confusion, but it’s really just boredom about the topics your are discussing. Either that or I’m thinking about some hilarious YouTube clip I watched earlier that day of a cat jumping fail. HAHAHAH – OMG cats that can’t jump are so fucking funny! Case in point here. Oh Waffles – you kill me!
Attribute 3: Understanding
Rating: 10 out of 10
Comments: You know why you and I work, Husband? Because you understand me completely. Other husbands would probably crack it when I roll home at 2am on a Wednesday shitfaced and wake you up because I thought I’d forgot my keys when they’re actually in my top-secret compartment in my Chanel which I smartly put there so I won’t lose them. I then drape myself all over you because I’m extra loving when I’m wasted and blast my almost flammable alcoholic breath in your face, all while stumbling over to the couch and passing out in my full face of makeup and clothes. Not you though Husband; you kindly cover me with a blanky and return back to the bedroom and close the door so you won’t have to hear my incessant drunken mumbling. The next morning, you don’t even wake me up to berate my behavior and sneak quietly off to work, letting me sleep off my I-think-I-am-dying hangover. If that is not pure love and understanding for my alcoholism, I don’t know what is.
Attribute 4: Respect
Rating: 10 out of 10
Comment: Thank you for respecting my privacy and not asking what I spent $400 on at the bar last night – because I really don’t know either.
You know – I don’t say this much, but that Husband is not a bad guy…how will I repay him for all his highly commendable behavior?
Well – today is the official Steak and Blowjob day! I better get to work…
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