There’s another fricking storm in New York this weekend – get this, it’s called Winter Storm Nemo. Why would they call it such an adorable name? Can you just imagine all the kids going – “Mom! Can we go and play with Nemo? Purleeze? OMG I love Nemo! Maybe Dory will be there too? And Jacque the cleaner shrimp!” Of course, all this sounds like some fun Disney movie to the mother so out they go into the storm and then BOOM – those idiot kids are swept up in a random gust of gale force wind and disappear forever, only to reappear in Utah 5 years from now. It’s always Utah, isn’t it? Oh those Mormons.
Seriously, they should have called the storm Boris. Nobody ever wants to play with a Boris.
Anywho – while you are stuck inside your toasty warm apartments this weekend, maybe it would be an opportune time to work on your online dating profile, no?
Funnily enough, another single lady has reached out to me to pass onto you her online dating tips – in fact, she has an entire blog on the topic! Here is one of her posts:
Show Don’t Tell
Writing who you are is hard enough, than to try to add what you think men want to hear and it becomes quite a challenge. Sites will often provide completely useless tips for each step of the process. For example, make your headline eye-catching and punchy (like a cereal commercial) with hints as to who you are!
At this point I’m often tempted to say: ”I didn’t think at 30 something I’d be here but I am so if you think I look alright, and you have a heartbeat and an income (that is not government dependent) can we get married as my eggs are defrosting… ”
Most write things such as “looking for love!” or “genuine girl looking for genuine guy!” Pass me the sick bag. Think about what makes you truly unique and ladies, I’m not talking about your third nipple. If you’re kind, say something nice. If you’re sexy, say something sexy and most of all if you’re funny, be funny! Show don’t tell!
Men are visual, so don’t get bogged down in the detail. Think like a man… Do whatever it takes to make yourself sound like you’re a man BUT with a killer rack who can suck a golf ball through a garden hose. You see, men want a woman who does the same stuff as them. So scuba, abseil, run marathons, fish, watching football etc. These are all great hobby options. I’d steer clear of bucket bongs and tea bagging though, just saying.
Beware! This does not mean you should be man “like”. They still expect you to be feminine, just do boy stuff. This is where men and women differ. You see if you read a profile of a man who says – I love shoes, shopping and romantic comedies. I know exactly what you’d do – next!
Embellish or bedazzle (remember the bedazzler!). You may sometimes wake up on the lounge, covered in cheese, drooling with soft porn on pause. He does not need to know this! Not until you’re in love. When men shop for women, they are picky but once the love bug has bitten them on the bum – anything goes!
Interests are also important.
And ladies, whatever you do! Do not admit to watching reality TV..! Feel free to select any of the following asexual TV shows: Breaking Bad, True Blood and the ultimate man-trap Game of Thrones.
The best profiles are the original ones that make you laugh but show a kind or sweet side – too much of one or the other and you cut out half your market. To summarize: show don’t tell. Be sincere and sweet, guys totally love that. Think about what your brother likes and then your mum, and then meet halfway. Sort of like watching the football whilst drinking Pinot Grigio.
Good luck in your search.
Like what you’ve read? She’s a funny bitch, right? You can read more about her online dating tips on her blog Girl Staying Single.
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