I’m a huge advocate of social media – you can find me on Facebook, Twitter, Fourquare and Instagram constantly. Actually, to the annoyance of Husband, the first thing I do when I wake up and the last thing I do before I fall asleep are:
Check my email.
Check my Facebook. Make stupid comments on other people’s stupid comments.
Check Instagram. Double tap on photos which make me aww.
Check Twitter. Laugh out loud at all the retardedly witty tweets made by the people I follow.
Turn around, annoy Husband until I am tired and fall asleep/until he wakes up.
Due to this obsession, I’ve developed certain nuances and opinions on what I consider are the do’s and don’ts of each social medium. Today, let’s discuss the Instagram:
Nails – I’m anti nail art. I’m of the opinion that grown women should not be walking around with ladybugs or bunnies painted on their nails. And you know what girls? Guys hate them too. They make you look like an immature 5-year-old that has WAY too much time on their hands. Of course, this means I am incredibly against any Instagram pics of you showing off your ‘nail bling.’ – Seriously, that is a term now. Sigh.
Hashtag – Do use appropriate hashtags for your photos – it helps when others are doing a search on a certain object or topic of genre. Here is what not to do:
Creeper – Whenever I get a new follower, I like to do a little research on them by looking at their posted photos and photos that they’ve liked. My creeper alert alarm goes on when it’s some middle-aged overweight white guy who continually likes pictures of young Asian women. Hmm…
Instagram. Not latergram – Look, I’ll admit that I’ve done this before, but it’s generally because I’m way too wasted during the evening to be posting photos of my night. I will usually wake up, check my phone and think: Hmm, who took all these cute photos of me and my girlfriends last night? I best put these on Instagram post-haste (yes, I speak like that in my head). I think the morning after posts are passable, but what about people who posts photos a week later? I remember one of my good friends went to Scotland, came back to New York, and then posted pictures of his trip 2 weeks later. I was like – um, did you go back to Scotland? If so can you bring back some haggis and the Loch Ness Monster? Of course, he was like – WTF? And I was like – WTF? Why are you posting pictures of Scotland if you’re not there? STOP CONFUSING ME!!
Screencapture Notepad – Look, if you have something to say that cannot be translated into a pictorial format don’t take a screenshot of some random shit you wrote down on your iPhone notepad. That’s what your Facebook status update is for.
Throwback Thursdays – I friended you on Instagram to stalk you now, not how you looked like when you were 5. I seriously don’t give a shit. It’s not as if I’m going to be like – oh wait, THAT’s what he looked like 30 years ago? Oh no. No way am I going to be friends with him now. I mean, what if he reverts back to that in the future? Oh I can’t be his friend anymore.
Picstich – are annoying. Cut that shit out.
Same shit, different photo – I love dogs, and since I don’t have one myself, I tend to follow a lot of adorable puppies on Instagram. I also un-follow a lot of dogs on Instagram daily since their owners tend to post nearly identical pictures of their pup 10 times per day. My ‘awww’ in the first pic quickly turns to ‘hmm’ by the 5th photo. You’re not curating a show in celebration of the one adorable face that your dog has.
Showing Off – Gaudy flaunting makes you look like an asshole. HAHAH – oh, I take that back, because I LOVE to show off. Hello? I’m a Trophy Wife! If I’m flying in an awesome first class pod? For sure I’ll be posting that shit. If I’m cruising around in a million dollar yacht you’re going to know about it literally the second I see it. Haven’t you seen the Rich Kids of Instagram site? Why do you think that exists? So people can go – oh, these kids are real douchebags? Sure, that thought might pass your head, but really, in the back of your mind aren’t you a tiny bit jealous?
Did I miss any? Let me know!
On that note – follow me on Instagram! You can find me @_Trophy_Wife
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