I saw this hilarious thing trending on Twitter last week, #ICan’tDateSomeoneThat and totally wanted to tweet my own criteria. Then I realized that my list is so long, I couldn’t possibly fit it into 160 characters or less, so why not dedicate a post to it!
I can’t date someone that:
Doesn’t drink – Look, I understand if you are in AA, I’m not referring to those people. I dated a guy who did not drink because he didn’t like the way people acted when they’re drunk. Hmm – makes sense in theory, but why does this stop you from having one drink? There’s nothing more attractive than a man who consistently orders waters from the bar – and I’m sure bartenders LOVE him! Although – the one good thing in that relationship was that he was always the designated driver, and I could always call him up at 3am in the morning, drunk off my ass, to get him to come and pick up my friends and I.
Isn’t well traveled – I don’t mean you must have traveled around the world; I’m talking about those men who have not left their own country, and do not even own a passport. I’m a true believer that travel opens up your mind and gives you a different perspective about your life. Assimilating and understanding another culture gives you a 360 degree view of the world and it makes you a more interesting person. Plus, I don’t want to vacation with you if it’s your first time on a flight and you’re going to get all excited about how the tray table goes up and down.
Has no sense of humor – I’m pretty sarcastic most of the time. If you don’t understand sarcasm, or take things too personally, I don’t want to hang with you. If I have to spend my time massaging your ego, telling you that I wasn’t being serious with my “your suit pants are looking a little snug, Tubbsy” comment, it wasn’t meant to be. Also – your suit pants are really getting a little snug, complete with man muffin-top. This links directly to…
Is stupid – I’d like to think of myself as being quick-witted most of the time. Let’s ignore the times when I’m so drunk that I’m incoherent. If I constantly have to explain to you what happened in the movie, the punch line of some joke, what the word vivacious means (hehe – Husband had to it look up in Dictionary.com), I can’t date you. I used to date a ridiculously good-looking guy who every girl fawned all over. Unfortunately, I had to let him go because every time I was telling a funny joke, he laughed at the wrong time. “So then the Irish man comes back with a shovel…” “HAHAHA!” Um…that wasn’t the end of the joke…ah, forget it.
Wants to hang 24/7 – I’m a huge advocate of having my own space. I don’t mean like having my own room, although, at times when Husband is being Sir Snore-a-lot, I kinda wish I did. I’m referring to having time to myself. My relationship with Husband works because he travels and works like 24/7, and even then, when he’s home for an extended period of time (for example, a long weekend) he starts to get on my nerves. Living in New York, space is hard to come by, and living in a one bedroom apartment means you’re constantly in each other’s business. I usually like to impose a ‘time-out’ in our apartment when one party ignores the other party, and carry on their own tasks quietly.
Forgets things – I dated a man who used to forget things all the time – keys, cell phone, wallet when we went out. It really bothered me until one night, I went out, ‘forgot’ I had a boyfriend, and hooked up with someone else.
Isn’t Ambitious – Everyone has different ambitions in life, whether you want to be a partner in your company, or own your own business, or become the best Trophy Wife there is out there. I don’t judge what you aspire to be, but just have a goal and work towards. There’s nothing I hate more than dudes that whine “oh, I hate my job, it’s going nowhere!” and then sit on their ass and do nothing about it. Do you think I would be where I am today if I just waited for things to be handed to me on a silver platter? I’ll tell you a secret – I actually didn’t get into grad school the first time I applied. In fact, my undergrad transcript was so bad, I’m pretty sure no college wanted me. Did I just sit at home and bitch about it? Hell no! I wrote a personal letter to the dean, and called incessantly until I got a face to face meeting where I explained my situation. What happened next? Not only did I get into grad school, I completed it with a distinction average. Take a leaf out of my book: being annoying sometimes is a win.
Is mean to animals – I love all animals: puppies, pandas, ponies and even other ones that don’t start with the letter ‘P’. Yes – even though I say I don’t like cats and I’m violently allergic to them I can’t walk past a cute kitty without trying to pat it, resulting in a sneezing fit. Due to this animal obsession, I really am unable to date a guy who hates or dislikes animals. Granted, Husband claims to be allergic to dogs, and says that he never got attached to his childhood cat, Soxy. Still – I know he’s coming around since he said to me a couple of months back “Babe, when we move into a bigger apartment this August, maybe we can get a Shiba?” And whenever we see doggies on the street wearing the cone of shame, he always says sympathetically “Poor little guy”. It’s kinda adorable. Don’t know what the cone of shame is? See pic below of Doug and his cone. Although – do keep in mind that this criteria does NOT apply to bugs. In fact, the exact opposite has to happen when bugs are around. I totally cannot date a guy who is unable to squish and kill all bugs. There’s nothing more of a turn-off when a dude sees a spider and squeals louder than me.
Is shorter than me – Hey, note that this is the ONLY criteria that has anything to do with looks! Aw, I’m not so superficial after all! This is a non-brainer. I had good legs, and I like wearing heels. If the guy I date is shorter than me, I am limited to flats, and that makes me sad. I have, in fact, dated a shorter man. The deal breaker happened one day when we were walking hand in hand down the street, he pulled me close and rested his head ON MY SHOULDER. I realized how bad this looks, pushed him off and briskly strutted away with my long legs.
Has bad table manners – this really is a reflection of how a guy is brought up. I like to dine out a lot, and sometimes, in fancy restaurants. If the man I’m dating cannot separate his appetizer utensils from his entrée utensils, does not place his cutlery together to signify that he’s done, or chews with his mouth open, it’s a no-go.
Cuddles – there are TWO sides to a queen/king sized bed: my side, and your side. Sometimes, I like to pretend that there is an imaginary line in the middle that says Do Not Cross. I never actually understood the whole cuddling thing. I mean, it’s hot enough under the blankie, and then to have someone else’s limbs on top of you, breathing hot, skanky sleep breath into your neck is really not appealing. And what are you supposed to do if he falls asleep on top of you? You’re TRAPPED in that position all night! I’m quite adamant about this rule – there are times in the middle of the night when Husband flings a stray limb across the line, I will viciously kick it back, and pretend to be asleep when he wakes up all confused. Please – no body parts touching when I’m trying to sleep.
Doesn’t manscape – seriously gentleman, if I put up with hot wax being poured on and ripped off my most sensitive area, then the least you could do is trim a little. If you want your lady friend to go down on you, don’t make her feel like she’s flossing.
Wears Jesus sandals –The sandals fool no one – you’re not Jesus.
Read More »