In fact, I’m a little pleased with myself right meow because I recently read a study which finds that practitioners of bondage, discipline, sadism and masochism, or BDSM, score better on a variety of personality and psychological measures than “vanilla” people who don’t engage in unusual sex acts.

I personally like to err on the side of sexual submission – and I know that a lot of my readers also share my submissive-BDSM fetish.

However, while I like playing this role, I have also encountered my fair share of idiots who take things a little too far. So, here is a list of things to avoid when you’re with a sexually submissive woman:

Dominate me in Bed, but not out of it

While I loved to be bossed around, slapped, hair pulled in bed, don’t take this shit out of the bedroom. The way I act during sex is a role play for me – in reality I have an incredibly dominant and assertive personality. Don’t order me around in a restaurant or bar, tell me what to do when I’m out with my friends or your friends or demand that I go up to another woman and grab her amazing tits.

I’m not your bitch, bitch.

Well, only in the bedroom.

Respect my Boundaries

A good dom respects the predefined boundaries set up by the sub prior to any sexual activity. A bad dom does whatever he wants and hence, will never be invited to play in the future again. If I say no anal, and you go ahead and slide your dick in there anyways, you’re not being a true dom – you’re just being a selfish lover. A dom who attempts to steamroll over boundaries with the excuse of “I’m just playing my role as the dominant” is just an asshole. I invite you to play my game, you respect my rules.

The dirty little secret about BDSM is that it’s actually the submissive that has all the power and is in complete control of the situation, because we set up the framework and the boundaries.

Don’t be a Selfish Douche

I enjoy being tied up, forced deep throat, choked, name called – but that doesn’t give you the right to just get yourself off. I know how easy it is for a dom to tie you up and make you suck his cock all day – but sex should still be collaborative and involve mutual gratification. Subs still want to be pleasured and appreciated – hell, we want to get off too!

Name-calling

Sure, I like to be degraded and objectified – you can call me a bitch, slut, whore, hooker – whatever you want when we’re in bed and I’ll love it. But try calling me anything similar to that when we are out and not only will you have to deal with the wrath of Julie, but you will also have to fend off any women near-by who may have heard you use those words. And don’t think that you can talk your way out of it by saying “But she LOVES it when I call her that!” That shit is not going to fly. Keep it in the bedroom.  Oh, and don’t ever call me fat – I’ll ‘accidently’ use my teeth on your cock.

No Visible Bruises

Anyone who knows me knows that I bruise like a peach. Either that or I’m incredibly clumsy. Actually, it’s the combination of the two. So, you can understand how awkward it is when I attend a charity event when I have an obvious hand print around my neck from an overly aggressive choking session, or a black eye for when I’ve been slapped a little too hard. While it’s fine when I’m with my friends because they know that I’m a submissive bsdm junkie whore, it’s a little problematic to explain my bruises to new people I meet socially, because you know this conversation isn’t going to go down well:

Me:        Hi! I’m Julie.

Rando:  Hi…what’s that around your neck?

Me:        Oh – it’s just a bruise.

Rando:  How did you manage to get a hand print shaped bruise around your neck? Are you okay?

Me:        Oh I’m FINE! I just had a really great bondage session with my husband last night, and when he came he choked me a little too hard, but it’s okay – I enjoyed it… So – what are you going to bid on in the silent auction? Would you like to support my charity?

Yeah…that shit is not going to fly…

So, doms please don’t forget that you’re stronger than you think, and try to keep the physical evidence in areas that we can cover up with clothing.

Please – nobody looks good in a turtleneck. Not even turtles

Sure, some may think that there is a lot more work when you’re into this submissive/dominant sexual relationship. I get asked often if I wish I just got off on vanilla sex – my answer is always this:

No. Life is too short not to get off just because some things I like freak some people out.

You only live once and there is always someone out there who will embrace and celebrate your sexual freakishness.

I stumbled upon your blog when one of my friends on FB posted an article that you wrote on Elite Daily.  I literally read all your blog entries in 2 days I was so addicted to your blog! You are so on point about men and relationship! Plus, you are hilarious and very entertaining!

I seriously wish you can help me with my dilemma or maybe write an article about this please???

I am 26 yr old attractive Asian woman and I am hooking up with a guy who is engaged. I met L when I was 20 yrs old and I was kind of going out with his friend (J) who happened to be a $$$$$ but not so cute though. One night, J asked me to go out clubbing with him and his friends. Then I saw this insanely good-looking, tall, tanned, blue-eyed, surfer looking guy came to our table. I was sooo attracted to L the moment I saw him but out of respect for J whom I was talking/hooking up I did not make any moves. Somehow, L and I exchanged numbers and added each other on FB. My thing with J never worked so I jumped in to L right away and took the opportunity!

L and I sexted for 2 days and that was the farthest we went! Haha. Years later, I was at home one night drinking wine by myself and I sent him a drunken message on FB and since then we started sexting/texting. We finally decided to meet and hook up. Guess where? In his apartment building laundry room while for sure his fiancée was home. I know I should feel horrible about myself but I do not… I feel that we are perfect for each other as we are both crazy, laid back, make each other laugh and we for sure look like a fu**ing power couple!

L is very influential, very well-connected, educated, insanely GOOD LOOKING, and the most importantly, he has $$$$! I never pretend when I am with him, I feel very at ease and comfortable.

I just saw him again 2 weeks ago and we went to a very fancy hotel to hook up and he told me that he wanted to see me again. He said ‘I love you’ to me twice. Though, I know he did not really mean it but I still felt special… My problem is I know he will never leave his fiancée for me as they’ve been together for year but why is he cheating on her? I mean obviously, there is something lacking in the relationship.

He comes and goes… Sometimes he would txt me and whenever I txt him 90 percent he would not reply… I know this is crazy but I really think he should be with me!  Any tips on how to steal him from his fiancée?

I realllly reallly hope you can answer and help me!

Thank you so much!

XOXO,

A.

Yup – that got your attention, right?

I’m doing my first ever giveaway!

In case you didn’t see on my Facebook page, or my Instagram account (WHY not? Follow me IMMEDIATELY) I recently made these kick ass Life of a Trophy Wife wristbands!

How kick ass are they? Well, I’ll let you see and decide for yourself.

Currently, there are two versions. You can see them above.

So – here is the rules of the giveaway:

1. Come up with a witty Trophy Wife-esque slogan. For example, one I have been tossing around is “What’s mine is mine, what’s yours is mine.”
2. Write it in the comments below.
3. Be sure to include your email in the ‘email’ tab (don’t worry – only I can see this)
4. Do all this before June 21^st (next Friday)
5. Continue being awesome.

The ones that make me laugh so hard that I pee a little, I will send you out not one, but BOTH versions of the wristbands! Not only that, these slogans will be featured on future LoaTW wristbands!

HOLY SHIT YOU’LL BE FAMOUS!

Disclaimer: Sorry my international readers – I will only ship to US addresses only – but feel free to still comment!

On Monday, June 24^th, I will post all the winning captions.

Looking forward to reading all your funny shit!

Women reject sexually promiscuous peers when making friends.

What does that mean? Basically, college aged females don’t want to be friends with sluts. Why? Well, because apparently women who have slept with 20 or more people by their early 20’s – who are ‘sluts’ in this study – are viewed as a potential threat to steal other people’s partners. And women think that by friending these whores will make them whorey by association.

Men also ostracize these women because they are considered unsuitable for a long-term relationship, leaving these women feeling isolated and outside of many social circles.

You know what I think about all this – it’s all essentially a crock of shit.

Who the fuck wants to sit around with a group of prudish women, drinking tea and eating those stupid dainty cucumber sandwiches? I never quite understood the appeal of those sandwiches – WHY are they supposed to signify status? IT’S A SLICE OF CUCUMBER IN BETWEEN WHITE BREAD. Pretty fucking ghetto if you ask me.

Anyways.

Can you just imagine these stuck up bitches in their J. Crew twinsets, talking about their chastity belts and saving themselves for marriage and having only banged two guys in their life, missionary position only? Um, how about NO.

Sluts, on the other hand, make great friends. Not only does her open-minded nature mean that she’ll never judge you for things like accidentally falling on that guy’s dick when you were drunk that night and you literally have no idea of his name and just call him “vest dude” – but she will totally go out of her way to introduce herself to him next time you see Vesty in order to save you the embarrassment.

You need someone to run and grab you Plan B the next morning but can’t make it out of bed because you’re hungover as shit? Slutty friend will run right over to Duane Reade for you.

Sluts are also incredibly fashionable friends to have around. She knows how to dress to enhance her best assets, and she’ll never embarrass you by turning up to a club in Vegas wearing her work slacks (my girls know who I’m talking about). You’ll never have to give the door he-bitch a BJ just so you can get Slacks into the club with the rest of your sluttily well-dressed friends.

Sluts will always have your back. She knows what it’s like to be bitched about, back-stabbed and misunderstood, so she’ll never do that to you. She’s direct and she’s upfront – if she’s pissed at you, she won’t fuck around with all this bullshit passive aggressive shit that prudes do – she’ll come right up to you and tell you to your face that you’ve pissed her off. Then, you guys can yell at each other for 10 minutes, get that shit of your system, and have a few cocktails, kiss and makeup.

You can always count on your slutty friend. I had a girlfriend call me at 6am begging me to come pick her up because she woke up in a random’s house. She had no idea where she was, but she needed to be rescued immediately. I was up and in my car in a flash, tracked her on my iPhone and was at rando guy’s door in no time, saving her the walk of shame. That’s what sluts do – we look out for each other. No questions, no judgment – because we all know that she will do the same for me.

Open-minded, fashionable, dependable and fun – who DOESN’T want to be friends with a slut?!

In other news, the camera totally adds 10 pounds. I wasn’t this fat when I woke up this morning….

Dammit.

Sorry I’ve been a little MIA of late – I took on a part-time job to help out a friend so I’ve been a seriously busy beaver trying to fit in work, gym, writing, drinking, sexting randoms – you know, usual TW behavior.

Anywho – I’ve also been working on something reeeeally exciting.

WHAT IS IT?

Alright – calm down. I’ll tell you later, alright? Yes, I know. The suspense is killing you.

Anyways.

I recently wrote an article about Why You Should Always Have Sex on the First Date for Elite Daily. Oh, you didn’t see it? You can read it here.

This piece has garnered all types of controversy. Judging by the comments this piece has received, you’d think that I was advocating rape?!

A lot of the comments from dudes think that this was written by a man posing as a woman, which baffles me completely?! WHY? Is it because obviously no woman can be so free with her vagina that she chooses to fuck on the first date? Because only MEN can think with their dicks? Because absolutely no way can a woman be so confident with her sexuality that she chooses to give it up on the first date?

Fuck you haters – my vagina can make her own decisions. If your cock can do the picking, guess what? My pussy knows what it wants too!

The there are the guys who are like “Oh, I hope I NEVER meet a girl like this.” Bullshit asshole. If these guys met a girl at a bar, took her on a date and she whispered in his ear “Let’s go back to your place…” are you REALLY going to be like “Woah, back up. I think you are a very sweet girl, let’s take it slow and see where this goes, okay?” Your penis will mostly likely climb right out of your pants and slap you across the face.

The worst are the women who slam the piece – calling the author a ‘slut’ and saying ‘I wish my daughters never turn out like this…’ and that I’m ‘just a slut who will fuck anything with a pulse’

Firstly, I will fuck anyone with a pulse AND a big wallet. Ah – seriously ladies – calm the fuck down. It always surprises me that my articles get people so worked up and heated. It’s one opinion versus many. We all think in different ways, and while I don’t always agree with the way you think, it doesn’t make me wrong. It also doesn’t make me a lesser person than you, and most importantly, as a woman, you really shouldn’t be calling other women sluts.

I recently read an article which documents a study whose results state that slut-shaming is the worst between women. This makes me sad – as women, we are supposed to support each other. Fine, we may not all share the same values and morals, but don’t try and put another person down just because she chooses to be sexually confident.

One of the commenters, Ma Xi – did catch my eye. Not only did she back me up, but she sounds like a girl who just gets it. My favorite line out of all the crazy comments drama comes from her –

“Just go with what feels right and live life with no regrets. Be safe.”

Ma Xi my girl, if you’re reading this – let’s be best friends immediately, and thank you.

I’d love to hear what my readers thought about this piece. Either you agree or disagree, please share in the comments below!

No, silly – it isn’t about cats calling you. I mean, really – do cats even have opposable thumbs? Although, it would be adorable when you listen to your voice-mail and hear a curious “meow?” on the other end…

Anyways – I digress.

Catcalled is a collection of women’s stories about street harassment in New York City. For over 2 weeks, 11 women in the city kept a log of their harassment experiences on the streets of NYC.

I find it interesting to read each and every woman’s stories – the participants all range in age, sexual orientation and ethnicities to give a broad idea of what type of shit women in the city goes through on a daily basis.

I guess I find this issue hits close to home for me because it’s also something I experience regularly, and my reaction to such harassment ranges from mild irritation all the way to holy shit I have to get the fuck away from this man.

Look – I know what some people are thinking when they read this – you’re thinking:

“OMG – shut up and stop whining about some guy trying to hit on you. It’s just an indirect way of saying – oh, I think I am really hot.”

Well, first of all – sure, I do like the way I look. What’s wrong with that? I work my ass off for my physique and I have my parents to thank for my face.

Secondly – many people consider catcalling a form of compliment. Fine – it’s nice when someone says “Hey – you look beautiful today.” But it’s a very different thing when a strange man walks up to you on the street and whispers in your ear “I want to bend you over and fuck you hard.” Oh, is that a compliment? I mean, if I’m supposedly so cute, why did you need to bend me over in the first place? WHAT’S WRONG WITH MY FACE?! (That actually happened to me, btw)

Here is a broad overview of the shit I had to deal with just last week:

Last Sunday, Husband and I were walking up to our local bar to grab a drink after the in-laws left. A random man walks pasts us and yells to Husband:

Rando:  Damn – your girl is FINE. You better hold her hand son otherwise you’ll lose her!

I laugh and say thank you, because I’m polite like that and we continue walking.

Rando:  HOLD HER HAND SON! DID YOU NOT HEAR ME?

Husb:    (to me) Um…do you want me to hold your hand?

Me:        Hell no. It’s hot and your hands are sweaty.

Rando:  HOLD HER HAND OTHERWISE SOMEONE ELSE WILL! (he’s now like 3 blocks away and still yelling)

Husb:    WTF does he think is going to happen? If I don’t hold your hand you’re going to fly away?

Me:        Sigh. I need a drink.

The following Monday Husband and I were walking down at Chinatown to grab some dimsum. Anyone who has been to Chinatown in Manhattan knows that it’s a complete shitshow to walk on the sidewalks because there are a fuckload of people. While we were navigating the streets, a man walks towards us, and literally stops – holding up all the people behind him, and says:

Man:     God bless you miss – you are incredibly beautiful….

Does god not bless the ugly folk too?

The worst harassment usually happens I’m just walking by myself down the street.

Dude:    Hey beautiful. Where are you going? I just wanted to say that you look incredible tonight.

Me:        (mumbling) Thanks…

Dude:    You don’t look like you’re from here – where are you from?

Me:        Australia.

Dude:    Wow – exotic.  Where are you heading? Want to grab a drink?

Me:        Actually I’m going to meet my husband. I’m married so I would prefer not to have a drink with you, thanks.

Dude:    Woah – relax. I wasn’t trying to hit on you. I just wanted to be friends!

Bullshit asshole. You try to pick me up on the street to be ‘friends?’ At least have the balls to own up to the fact that you’re trying to hit on me, dickwad.

Of course, the yellow fever guys take an entirely different approach:

Dude:    Konnichiwa! (bowing)

I obviously don’t respond.

Dude:    Hey – geisha girl! I said hello!

Me:        I’m not Japanese.

Dude:    Maybe we can have some sake together?

Me:        sigh.

I also enjoy the ones I get when I’m waiting for the lights to change to cross the street from dudes in cars or bikes:

Dude:    Heeeeyyyy sexy! Looking good baby.

Or, I especially like the guys who just continue to beep their horns at me to try to get me to turn around and look at them.

Seriously douches – what the fuck did you think was going to happen? Am I supposed to take one look at you, abandon all my plans, jump into your car and onto your cock?

Actually, that would make a pretty good porn movie…

But the thing that really broke my heart happened just recently.

Husband and I have been discussing the possibility of getting a puppy. Anyone who reads my blog regularly knows that there are three things I love most in the world:

1. Money
2. Pandas
3. Puppies

Oh shit – and Husband (sorry babe)

Anywho – the discussion got quite serious, and we had even chosen the breed of dog that we wanted, a Labrador. Of course, this was like all my dreams come true so I got prematurely excited and already named him (Bruno) and figured out a place where he would sleep in the apartment.

It all came crashing down when Husband pointed out something the other day:

Husb:    Babe – I know you’re super excited about Bruno, but I don’t think we should get him.

Me:        WHAAATTT? WHY? I love Bruno already. I’ve already kicked you out of bed in my head so he could sleep in your spot…

Husb:    You think you get hit on a lot now? Imagine what it would be like if you were out walking a Labrador puppy every day. You’re going to get attacked.

Me:        Nooooo – Bruno will protect me!

Husb:    No he won’t. Have you seen how retarded Labrador puppies are? Bruno will probably make friends with the douche who is trying to pick you up and lick his hand.

Dammit Husband. When you’re right, you’re right.

I know that this shit doesn’t just happen to me – ladies (or dudes), feel free to share your own catcalling harassment experiences in the comments below!

Anyways.

This is dedicated to my girls who have ever encountered dudes with yellow fever.

This shit happens to me all the time. It usually goes something like this: (YF denotes yellow fever guy)

YF:          Woah. You’re really pretty. Where are you from?

Me:        What do you mean? I live here in Manhattan.

YF:          No, I mean what’s your nationality?

Me:        Oh, I’m Australian.

YF:          (Confused look…) Australian? You don’t look it…

Me:        Well, I am…what do you want, to see my passport?

YF:          No, I mean what’s your background?

Me:        Well, I was born in Taiwan but I grew up in Australia.

YF:          I KNEW IT. I was going to guess Korean or Japanese, but I was totally leaning towards Chinese.

Me:        Riiiiggghhhhtt….

YF:          Ne hou. That’s Chinese, isn’t it?

Me:        (sigh) Yes. It means hello.

YF:          I learned it from a Chinese friend of mine who lives here in the city too. Hey – perhaps you know him?

Me:        Oh, maybe! What’s his name?

YF:          Andrew Chan?

Me:        Hmm…Chan, Chan…Andrew Chan…oh wait a minute….is he an accountant? (Because seriously, aren’t all accountants Asian?)

YF:          YES! You know him?

Me:        Of course I don’t you fucking idiot. What do you think, just because I’m Chinese I know EVERY SINGLE Chinese person who lives in the city? Fuck off asshole.

Feel free to share any of your own yellow fever stories with me in the comments below.