I was emailing with one of my good friends this morning, and she sent me a picture of this random girl who’s friends of a friend of a friend…or something. Anyways, I replied to her email and said “Why does her hair look like a skunk died on it?” And while I chuckled away at my funny joke, I realized what a judgmental bitch I am. Hilarious, yes. But still judgmental and a bitch. It got me thinking about all the other bitchy things that I do which I am really not too ashamed to admit to you.
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Being the good Trophy Wife that I am, I always ask Husband when he comes home from work “How was your day babe?” when I really have no inclination to really hear about the events of his day. So, when he rattles of all the stuff he is working on, I tune out and think about things like when did I last wash my hair? Why is it so pouffy? Should I wash it again? The part is all weird…then again, I just got a manicure and washing my hair always tends to ruin my manicure, and I hate having chipped nails. Do I have an event coming up in the next few days? Because then I have to get my nails done again? Sigh. During this riveting thought process, I will interject his conversation with random “Hmm. No. Oh really?” comments, just to show what a loving and attentive wife I am.
Following on from the previous point, if Husband doesn’t pay attention to what I’m saying, or forgets that I already told him we had dinner plans, I will crack it, and bitch about how he NEVER listens to me, how I HATE repeating myself, and it’s really quite disrespectful when I’m talking and he doesn’t pay attention.
I always ALWAYS judge a book by its cover. Whenever I meet a girl for the first time, I will look at her handbag, her outfit, her shoes and her nails. If I don’t like what I see, I will bitch about her incessantly to my Husband. Then the next time we meet and are stuck talking to each other at a party, I’ll realize that she’s actually fricking awesome, and we will swap cell phone numbers and make a brunch date for the following day. I will then go home and rave about her to Husband, and Husband will be all like “Um, did you just call that girl a fat bitch last week?” And I will deny having any knowledge of doing so.
I’ve stolen a guy from a girlfriend. We were at a club and this seriously hot model looking dude was checking us out, and my girlfriend was all “I’m totally going to hit on him” so she does, and she leaves with his phone number because she had a midnight curfew. I, on the other hand, did not have a midnight curfew and partied on. The hot guy approached me and asked me for my number, and called me the next day. My girlfriend was not too pleased when she called me the next week and I was all “Oh hey – I’m at (insert hot guys name here) place.” Whatever – he was nice to look at but dumb as fuck. Our relationship lasted an entire month, and then he dumped me because I went out one night and made out with a girl, and he considered that cheating. I kinda feel like I did my girlfriend a favor.
In high school, I punched a girl in the face because she called one of my friends fat, and really, she was the fatter one. I don’t think that’s bitchy, I think that’s just called being a good friend.
In kindergarten, I was asked to switch schools because I tried to poke a girl in the eye with a pencil. What? I thought we were just playing that pencil in the eye game!
I was dating this guy who decided that he wasn’t ready for a committed relationship, but wanted to continue to see me. I’m all for an open relationship so I started to see other people. One evening, I was out on a date with this dude, and while he was dropping me home, I see not ready for commitment guy standing outside my door with an enormous bunch of flowers. I guess he chose that time to tell me that he was ready to commit?! I had to think fast, so I made date number 2 pull his car into my garage and we went up to my apartment, where there was a huge bunch of flowers waiting on my doorstep. Date number 2 was impressed and kinda wary at the same time, so after I invited him in for a drink and then pretended to be super tired so I could kick him out, I called not ready for commitment guy, thanked him for the flowers and invited him to spend the night. Thank god I’m so quick-witted.
I will always, always tell you honestly how I think you look in an outfit/if you’ve put on weight/if your boyfriend is a douche. Some people appreciate this truthfulness, others get mad at me. My motto is – if you didn’t want to know the truth, why did you ask me in the first place? I don’t sugarcoat things just to make you feel better about yourself.
I like to steal cabs from tourists. In fact, just the other week I was out trying to grab a cab on Park Ave South to take me to the next bar. Granted, the other bar was like 5 blocks away, but I had new heels on and didn’t have a coat since a coat wouldn’t work with my cute outfit, so a cab was very necessary. I see a cab pull up halfway down the block and start striding towards it, not noticing that there was a tourist family of 4 with two small kids waiting for the cab. Once I reached the cab, I notice dowdy out of towner, Lorraine (my friend MM and I decided that she looked like a Lorraine) waiting at the cab door. I stared her down and declared “This is MY cab lady, I ran for it.” Lorraine looked at me and said in a timid voice “But I was waiting here for it…” I replied defiantly “What? No you weren’t, I ran for it. You’re not getting my cab.” Lorraine sighed and replied dejectedly “fine. You can take it.” Damn straight Lorraine. MM backed me up by clapping her hands at Lorraine and saying “NO. This is NOT your cab.” We make an excellent team.
When I’m in the elevator and I see a fat/unattractive person approaching, I will repeatedly press the ‘close door’ button just so I don’t have to share my ride with them, just in case the fatness/ugliness is contagious.
Whenever a dude cries, I feel seriously awkward and just pat them on the back and say “there there” or just walk away.
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There a plenty more bitchy things that I’ve done, but I’m afraid if I note them all down, you’ll hate me and stop reading my blog. So, I’ll cut off the list there.
I’m really a very nice person. Seriously. Just to prove it, here’s a photo of me patting a dog (and drinking), showing what a kind, animal loving, nice person I am.
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3 comments
MM - April 27, 2012 2:28 PM
What you see is what you get. That’s why I like you, no surprises. And I endorse this blog and the clapping mentioned in this post.
Julie - April 27, 2012 2:32 PM
I believe clapping is the way to get things done – I learnt this from a wise, attractive friend of mine…
TrophyHusband - April 27, 2012 7:40 PM
CLAP CLAP CLAP!!! WHILE DRINKING