Ask TW: Stuck in a Rut?

Stuck in a rut

K Asked:

I’m a 23 year old college student and I think I have fell into a rut. I have been single for 4 years and now my fashion sense has declined to whatever is clean and near (which includes sweat pants and wrinkled shirts).My room is such a mess I only wear what I can find. I used to wear makeup everyday now I only wear it when I have to.

I guess what my question is– How do I get organized and out of this ’20′s something’ mid life rut? Because I want to acquire a man who needs a ‘trophy wife.’ Thanks for any advice!

Dear K,

This email makes me feel like a bit of a sanda, because I think you have so much potential. I see you’re one of my Twitter buddies, and based on your picture, you’re a pretty girl! Not to mention you tweet some witty comments which often make me chuckle, so I know that you’re also intelligent. The fact that you’re a college student makes you not only ambitious but also educated – so before you beat yourself up, look at all the Trophy Wife qualities you already possess! Just to recap:

  • Attractive
  • Witty
  • Educated
  • Ambitious
  • Makes me laugh

Granted, that last one isn’t really that important, but I enjoy it.

You’re definitely in a kind of rut as you described, and don’t even get me started on the sweatpants and wrinkled shirts combo.

Before you can get out there and meet a man to Trophy Wife you up, you need to sort out your own shit first.

The first step is to identify the problem – you need to ask yourself why you’ve fallen into this rut. Is there something in your life that triggered it? A bad relationship? Stressed out at school? Is it your group of friends? Family issues? In order to solve the problem you must recognize what it is that is getting you down. For example, if your friends are all in the same boat as you, it might be time to hang out with a different group of people. If it’s the level of school work that is eating up all your time and stressing you out, you may need to consider dropping a subject, or getting some help with studying.

Next, you need to focus on your physical appearance. Already, you’re starting off on a good base because you have such a pretty face! Also, you mentioned that prior to your rut, you used to wear make-up all the time. In order to feel good about yourself, it’s important to look your best. If you feel like you may have put on a few pounds and let yourself go, it’s okay – it happens to all of us!

Here is a story from my personal experience: I was working in a corporate job for a few years prior to becoming a Trophy Wife – and I was actually quite good at it! I somehow kept on getting promoted (could have had something to do with the fact that I slept with some senior dude, but I maybe it was just because I am awesome.) Anywho.

I also worked like a bitch – long hours during the week and on weekends I often made the 1 hour drive into the office to tie up loose ends. Basically, I had no time for myself – I didn’t have time to work out or cook for myself so I put on about 20 pounds. My hair was in desperate need of a cut, and on top of that, I had no spare time to go shopping and continued to squeeze myself into clothes that were 2 sizes too small – you KNOW that’s my pet peeve!

On top of that, my relationship with my then de facto was pretty much done – even though we lived together, we were basically just two people living separate lives residing in the same apartment. Our sex life was non-existent, and who could blame him because I was the size of a whale, and due to the stress at work we fought all the time.

Like you, I was completely in a rut, and I even knew that I was in a rut, but I was in too deep to really do anything about it. In my mind I was thinking – I know I need to make a change, but how? There was nothing really pushing me to alter my lifestyle so I just chugged along with it for months.

It wasn’t until I realized that my live-in boyfriend had been cheating on me that I really opened my eyes. I took a step back and looked at my life objectively: something had to change. I looked in the mirror and hated what I saw, I looked at my life and realized that I had no social life and most importantly, no time to work on myself.

During the next few weeks, I got myself a personal trainer, joined Jenny Craig, purchased some clothes which actually fit me and asked to cut down my workload at work. I got back in touch with my group of friends that I had neglected and really invested time in both my personal relationships and my appearance.

Six months later, I was back to my ideal weight, had re-surrounded myself with friends who made me laugh and even became good friends with the now ex-boyfriend.

In your case, my dear K, you have already realized that you’re in a rut, so that is a good sign. After you’ve identified what the culprits of your rut, you need come up with a winning plan to overcome its/their influence. Start by cleaning up your room; organize your wardrobe so you can easily find something fabulous to wear. Go shopping and spoil yourself with cute pieces that when you slip on, it makes you smile. I have an adorable mink vest which I have named Fluffykins which my mother gave to me – whenever I put on Fluffykins, no matter how bad a mood I’m in, it always makes me smile. Wake up maybe 10 minutes earlier each day so you can take time to put a little make-up on your face. I know that no matter how shit I’m feeling, if I have on a cute outfit and a bit of make-up, I am already a little more confident and ready to face the day.

It also helps to surround yourself with like-minded people; if you hang with a group of girlfriends who are sloppy, go around wearing yesterday’s dirty laundry and unwashed hair, you’re going to start to behave and look like them because you’re going to think that it’s okay to not give a shit about yourself.

Find friends who take pride in their appearance, go to the gym, eat healthy and who like to go out and have a good time. After spending time with these people you’ll no doubt want to better yourself as a person, but it also gives you an opportunity to put yourself out there to meet a man.

The most important thing is for you to make the change in yourself first – don’t worry about the fact that you’ve been single for 4 years, it’s not even a factor. After you’ve gotten your life together, you will become the confident, vivacious and attractive girl I know you can be – and the guys will come running.





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  1. JY5678 - January 26, 2013 5:31 PM

    Nice advice TW x

  2. Kim - January 30, 2013 1:25 AM

    Great advice. :-)


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