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Ask TW: Should I Relocate for Love?

Long Distance

Dear TW,

Hi I’m in a relationship with a guy who is living in another country; he has a business there and is a self-made millionaire. I live in Australia (I work eat and breathe here) and he lives in the states and sometimes it’s just so difficult but we do manage to make this relationship work. We fight only when were away from each other and his always busy with work so some days we don’t communicate and I’m just ignored that’s when our relationship is the worst especially when there’s a big time difference between us and I’m not sure giving up everything that I know here to be with him is a good idea since I’m so young and I’m learning everyday from him about life and his positive thinking and he encourages me to be the person I can be.

He often hints me and has asked me to move to the states but I don’t know how I would cope over there and I was wonder how did you cope and adjust to everything? And do you have any tips? I’m only 19 turning 20 very soon so I’m quite young it will be a big whole new experience for me…

Xx

Vanessa,

Dear Vanessa,

First of all – please accept my apologizes for not answering your question with a vlog like I usually do with all my Ask Trophy Wife submissions. I have unfortunately lost my voice so I hope its okay that I answer your question with a written response.

There are some key things that I picked up with your question – you wrote that he ‘often hints’ for you to move to the States. Babe – a move from Australia to the States is a big deal – and you need more to go on than just a ‘hint’ that he wants you there.

Let me answer your question with my own personal experiences – one is moving a boyfriend from The Netherlands to Sydney and how that impacted our relationship, and the second is my own experience moving from Sydney to New York.

Let me just start off by saying that long distance is a bitch. In order for any long distance relationship to survive you need the following:

  • And end date when you will be together
  • A shit-load of trust in the other person
  • Constant communication
  • A lot of understanding

I did long distance with a Dutch man for a year. The time difference and the fact that he had A LOT of attractive friends that are girls made it incredibly difficult (there are seriously a lot of attractive girls over in the Netherlands). However, we emailed each other every day and spoke on the phone once a week. We planned for one of us to move to the other person’s country by the end of the year, and ultimately, he moved to Australia to be with me.

Don’t think that is where things got easy – it didn’t. There is a lot of pressure on the person who didn’t move because in the back of your mind, you have the niggling reminder that your partner gave up EVERYTHING in their life to be with you – their family, their friends, their job, and their home – all for you. The pressure for you to make their transition as easy as possible eats at you every day. They will no doubt be homesick and often question if they did the right thing, and while you do your best to go above and beyond to make them feel at home, ultimately, only time will tell if you guys made the right decision.

We made the decision to be together because we genuinely thought that we would be married in the upcoming years – he even gave me a standby engagement ring that is how serious we were about each other. Although we broke up after about 4 years living together because we grew apart, I don’t regret one day of being with him and the choice that we made to be together because it was the right thing to do at the time.

Hence, that is why I question how serious you and your man are about each other – you need more than just a hunch that he wants you there with him!

These are all things you need to keep in mind if you are seriously thinking of relocating your life for this man.

In terms of your concerns about moving from Australia to the States – sure, it’s a big change. But I am a HUGE advocate of trying everything once. From my personal experience, it was difficult for me in the beginning – I moved to NYC having no friends in the new city and was incredibly lonely for the first 6 months. But the more you open your mind to the new experience, and the more people you meet and friend, the easier the transition becomes.

If you do end up moving here for your man, at least he will be here as a sounding board and a shoulder to lean on during those tough beginning few months!

At the end of the day, if it doesn’t work out, you are only a 22 hour flight away from Australia – you can always go home!

I hope my response was helpful Vanessa – feel free to reach out to me and keep me updated.

For my other readers – I know there are a lot of you in long distance relationships – can you spare some pearls of wisdom for our friend Vanessa here? Please share in the comments below!

XOXO,

TW2.0

 

 

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4 comments

  1. Amy M - December 16, 2013 12:07 PM

    Hey Vanessa (and TW!)

    Hope you don’t mind my comment but i can somewhat relate to your situation.
    I’m 22 and whilst my other half isn’t a millionaire, he did get offered (and accepted) a job in Bangkok a year ago, which left me in a situation similar to yours. I suppose leaving England behind was a little easier for us at the beginning because we were both entering a new country together. But having your other half already based in the states, does have its advantages… He can suggest places to eat/visit and introduce you to new people… Or if all that is overwhelming you can always explore new places together.

    You don’t say how you feel about him in your post, but you do say that he is a positive person and always encourages you to be the person you can be, so he may surprise you and help you through this without pressure. Perhaps he’s dropping hints because he wants to gauge your reaction to moving over there without the pressure of actually asking you? Testing the waters if you may?
    But all assumptions aside, you want to be able to base your choice upon facts and not thought, so in my honest opinion your best bet is to talk it through with him.

    If moving away is something that you want to try but you’re not confident enough to dive in headfirst, you could always suggest a ‘trial run’. Try it out for and see how you get on. That way you can get a taste for the area / lifestyle and what your relationship is like without time difference… and if it wasn’t what you hoped, then you can always jump on a flight back to Aus with thicker skin and the knowledge that you tried!

    Best of luck in your decision!
    - Amy XO

    Reply
  2. Andrea - December 16, 2013 5:41 PM

    Hi Vanessa,

    I have something to add to Julie’s advice: if things work out and you do move to the US to be with your man, make sure there’s something waiting for you there aside from just him. You can’t live your life for someone else, so for the sake of your own sanity, please make sure you have a job or school in your new home.

    In addition to giving you something to do and a way to make new friends, if things don’t work out between you and your man but you still love living in the US, you’ll have a reason to stick around make your new life work, rather than packing up and heading on home. If things do work out, then hey, in addition to your great life with your guy, you’ll also have your own life that you’re proud of, and that’s awesome.

    Source of wisdom: I’ve been with my husband for almost 10 years, and if I didn’t have my own life, I would go mental.

    Reply
  3. Joel - December 16, 2013 10:40 PM

    You need to think about all the factors involved in your move very carefully. I left home for Hong Kong to be with my fiancée and it was difficult starting from scratch. When we did fight, I would feel like he should give in because I gave up my life back home to be with him. If you aren’t careful it can create a lot of strain on the relationship.
    Having said that, if you feel you have a strong foundation with this man and you are absolutely certain that he loves you and will care for you, you could move and it could work out beautifully.
    You’re still very young, I’m not sure if you’re thinking marriage at this point but realise that breaking up after you move is a possibility. Does he talk about a future with you? Is he really committed? What will you be doing for yourself as an individual if you move?

    Reply
  4. Simon - December 17, 2013 6:28 AM

    Hi Vanessa
    I’m bothered by the first thing you say.
    What you do say-
    You only fight when you don’t communicate because he’s to busy!

    You are never to busy to communicate. FaceTime, email, viber, phone card- the ways are endless and cheap, time together can not be bought so cost really doesn’t matter. To busy to send a quick text? A quick I love you? To busy for a quick 5 minutes on the phone to ask how’s your day? To busy to take advantage of the time difference and face time when one of you goes to bed and the other wakes up?
    If he’s to busy for you now- get rid of him, there is no future, only disappointment. If he doesn’t have this time for you now let me be blunt- he’s spending it with someone else.

    I’ve been in a long distance relationship for a long time, I live to hear her voice whether it’s for 30 seconds or hours, I live to hear her tell me about her day, her dog, her friends her family. I live to count the days till she is in my arms.

    If he can go a day without thinking about you and not finding the time to even say hello- get rid of him. Find someone who is interested in you, in what you do, in who you are.

    Good luck

    Si

    Reply

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