I had the best Fourth of July yesterday. It made me so proud to be an American.
What? Having a green card doesn’t mean that I’m automatically an American citizen? Really?
Shut up. I know you dumbass.
It’s just that after getting bent over and fucked by the Australian Consulate so many times recently, I’ve decided to renounce my Australian citizenship and embrace my American heritage.
After all, there are so many uniquely American things I’ve welcomed into my life which makes me proud to be an American:
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Ranch – WTF is it? Have you ever tried to describe how ranch tastes to someone? Dude, it tastes like vomit. When I first arrived, I was all – um, please do not serve me a tub of vomit which looks like cum. But now I love that shit.
Buffalo wings – So yeah, chicken is fine. I mean, it can taste OK sometimes, but really it’s kind of a bland protein. Why can’t you be more like pork, chicken? Wait a minute. What if we fry it at 600 degrees to a burnt little crisp, until it’s barely recognizable as meat, then smother it in XXX hot sauce and melted butter and serve it with a [Read More…]